Now, these words are as honest as I can be and come from deep within my soul, I don’t seek any pity or mean to self-loathe, just to create empathy around the imperfection of life and the diverse paths that are to be taken.

            I started going to therapy since COVID figured out in the scene. I cannot emphasize how grateful I am for having the privilege to assist my mental health and work on my personal issues with m  psychologist. She has given me many insights to improve my self-esteem traumas, relationships and friendships, family, and has given me the proper tools to understand my emotions better.

            I started falling into a dark circle in January 2023, but it all got worse as soon as I stepped into my old life in Budapest. Before that, I was living my complete dream in Costa Rica while interning as a photographer, content creator, social media, and marketing manager. I was already dreading going back because I knew what was waiting for me: continuing in a university I hated, a bachelor’s I was not passionate about, and loneliness. I was going to have new flatmates and have to integrate with people from my career that had bonded over at least a  year. Moreover, I was not looking forward to being apart from my boyfriend after spending a whole month with him. The weather was something that I knew for a fact that was going to be my enemy with -10 degrees and wind, at least.

            So, in February, I arrived at my flat and it was past midnight and extremely cold. My apartment was completely empty because my other two flatmates were arriving two weeks afterwards. The heater was off, so I was freezing. I started to check in the whole apartment, and as soon as I turned on one specific light, the electricity went out. My phone died instantly. I couldn’t let my boyfriend or family know that I had arrived safely or contact the apartment management. I fell asleep. In the morning, I went to a coffee shop to charge my phone and contact an electrician. Apparently, there was a water leakage from the apartment upstairs and it was on top of the chandelier.

            Anyways, things started to go worse. Everyone around me was complaining and hating everything, so the negativity from the environment slowly impregnated me. The people I knew from the last year of university claimed that it didn’t get better, they only hated it even more. I didn’t find any words of hope. I felt like an alien on an unknown planet whenever I walked around the streets or went into supermarkets or  when people talked around me; obviously, it
was the language barrier. I stopped writing or photographing. I had lost all my passion for everything. I even lived in silence; I would never listen to music. Now, this is an extremely red flag for me because I am always listening to
something, it doesn’t matter what genre.

            My new flatmates were from Finland. They were extremely nice and sweet, although, in the beginning, I didn’t really open up with them or hung out. This is also very rare because usually I am a very sociable and bubbly person. When I looked myself in the mirror, I would scream. Seriously, if I think about these past six months, they were bizarre as hell and I was the weirdest person you would ever meet. Whenever I called my parents, I would be completely silent and unrecognizable.  But, whenever I called Tobi, I would sugarcoat my life and pretend like everything was amazing. I was too ashamed of admitting that I was miserable. I stopped eating or cooking, I would only make eggs once a day. I had completely lost all of my appetite. That is when my therapist diagnosed me with severe depression. I had been feeling numb for too long, at least three months.

            One day, I was at work in A La Gringa, a Brazilian restaurant and coffee shop. I looked out the window and I was paralyzed. It was my mom!! I was so happy to see her and make her a cappuccino with latte art. Her hug felt like the sun. I had missed her so much. She had traveled all the way to see me because she realized I was in a black
hole. She tried to cheer me up every single time, taking me out on walks to the park, reminding me of the present moment, taking me to museums to remember my love for art, showing me places of Budapest I hadn’t visited before… She even
invited me to the concert of Fat Boy Slim, a very cool and famous DJ.
Nevertheless, my state of mind was so low, I told her I wanted to go home even
before it started properly. I am also very grateful for my flatmates, Kiira and Ada, because they were beyond patient with me. I have never been a quiet person, but at that time, I was a complete mute. The only words that would come out of my mouth were basically: yes, no, maybe, whatever you want, I don’t care, and I don’t know. This was in March, and during Spring Break, my sister joined with a friend for a few days.

            One night, my sister and her friend really wanted me to join them in a club. We went out to buy some drinks and to get in the mood. When we were home, I decided I was not joining.

“ Come on, honey, your sister is here. It’s a one-time experience. She doesn’t know the place,” my mom said.

“No, mom, I really don’t feel like it.” I answered reluctantly.  

“Go for a while. You’re 22, you’re still so young. Go out”  

“No, mom. “

“It’s an order.”

“Mom, I am not going. “

She looked at me very seriously. Fine. I started to look into my closet and became very indecisive. These days were so hard for me to choose anything, I would break down at grocery shops. I grabbed one shirt, another, another… I don’t know what got into me. I started to take everything out and throwing it on the ground.

“What are you doing? Just choose anything, you’re making a mess.” My mom said in a surprised way.

I couldn’t stop. At some point, I couldn’t take it anymore. I started to cry, very hard and loud. I dropped to the floor and cuddled in a fetal position. My mom was speechless. She didn’t know how to react. My sister heard the cries and came into the room. The tears and sadness had been piling up for such a long time, it felt like I had forgotten how to cry. The reality is that I had saved up all of my feelings because I did not want to complain or sound ungrateful for having the opportunity of living abroad.

“It’s just I hate it! I look horrible. Look at this!” I grabbed my belly. “I hate being
here. I hate that I have to stay here for another year. I don’t want to be here… please…I can’t…” I said everything in between tears.

“Honey,  it’s okay. We will figure it out. You’re not alone,” my mom said, while she was also crying.

“Ale, I love you, we’re here with you,” my sister said.

I brushed my wet face with my hands, calmed down, and said, “You’re right. Let’s go out.”

My sister’s friend looked at her like “Who is this crazy woman?” jajajjaaj.

            A few days later, Tobi joined, after not seeing each other for two months. My family insisted that I needed to tell him what I was going through with my mental health. I really didn’t want to confront my situation because I didn’t know what my next steps would be. I was very scared and ashamed. Nevertheless, on a tiny hike to the Citadel, I told him everything. We hugged a lot and he was extremely supportive. He hadn’t noticed because I hadn’t allowed it.

            On my sister and mom’s last day, we went for breakfast. Listen, don’t judge because what’s next has been my life’s most bizarre and weirdest day.

“Please promise me that you’re not gonna do anything. Promise me that you’re gonna take care of yourself,” my mom said.

“Mom, what are you trying to say? Of course.”

“I really mean it… You have been so not you… You are..” she started to cry, “depressed, honey.”

Then, my sister started to cry as well. Tobi held my hand. Her friend just stared at his phone, trying to ignore all the madness. To be honest, I would have done the same jajaja.

“Ale, I don’t even recognize you anymore. You didn’t laugh once. You never teased me. You..” My sister was really trying to catch her breath in her crying. “You never played any music…It’s like as if the light from your eyes were… gone..”

Holy shit. I must have been in a very bad place. I mean, I knew it. I just hadn’t realized that I was really that bad. Tobi clutched my hand stronger and
put his other hand to his mouth, unbelievingly.

“We are leaving soon. You can talk to us anytime soon. But, please, I am begging. You don’t have to stay here. Just make the choice and we’ll figure it out.” My mom said in a very sad pitch of voice.

            We took them to the bus station, hugged one last time, and saw them leave. Tobi and I went home, but he looked really scared. He sat me down on the bed, very seriously. It was not what I expected that he was going to tell me. RIP.

“Listen, you can’t stay here. You know it. Your parents support you.” He was saying very clearly and speaking from his heart.

“But I still have one more year. I have to finish.”

“No, you don’t. Your parents told you, you have more choices.”

“Yeah, but it is still one more year. I will feel like a failure if I don’t.”

“Come on, you were brave. You tried it and it didn’t work out. It’s fine.”

We were silent for a bit. I started crying.

“Alessa, lovie, you saw your mom and sister crying. They were scared and truly support you. You are not like how I met you. I want you back. And that is not going to happen if you stay here. Please…”

I stared at him, knowing that he was completely right.

“Just make the choice. Leave. I’ll help you plan everything. I’ll help you with anything that you need.”

We didn’t
say anything and hugged. We started to cuddle until I whispered in his ear: “Fine, I’ll talk with my parents tomorrow. I really don’t want to be here
another year.”

            The next day, I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist, where he confirmed that I had severe depression, and needed to start taking antidepressants. Apparently, I had been depressed for such a long time, that most probably, my brain had had an organic disbalance. I totally agreed that I needed happy pills. Honestly, they have been working just fine. Everything hit me like a train, and I felt very guilty for being a drag to the people around me. I am very grateful to have such a supportive partner like Tobi because I know all the emotional strength that it takes to help someone with depression. Almost every morning, I would wake up and cry, and he would do his best to give me energy and show me the positive side of future change. He really saw me at my worst and didn’t give up on me.

            After that, I built on some strength and saw it as something temporary. I really needed to be back in my safe environment around my family and friends, who truly appreciated me for who I was. It made sense for me to go back because people that I love have been why I truly learned to shine and be kind, where I could give love back. I packed the almost two years I had lived abroad in three suitcases, gave back the apartment, and said goodbye to my international friends, as well as my own version I had built.

            I don’t see this choice or years as a waste of time, but as something I had to live to become more resilient, independent, wiser, responsible and humbler. Going through therapy has taught me how to deal with change, the future and past, mental health, and understanding the roots of my choices. I really need to thank everyone that supported me at that time and showed me their care unconditionally: my mom, dad, sister, Tobi, Ana, and Kiira. I am very thankful to have had mental support from my therapist, Berenice, who has gone on a long journey with me without judgment whatsoever. Deep within my heart, I can confirm that even though going to therapy has many
misconceptions and prejudices of someone being “crazy” or “unstable”, it has made me become a more conscious human being of my environment and the people around me. Healing is such a tremendous and powerful process, as well as a rebellious act of self-love and care.