By sharing a flat with different people, I learned something that I used to hate before: setting boundaries.

I remember being so nervous about living with three different unknown people for the first time, especially because they were all older Germans. I was scared that I would be left out because of the language barrier and that they would gossip about me in front of me in German like: “Ja, genau, sie ist ein spinner”. But, I am glad to confirm that it was completely the opposite. They made a deal before I arrived, where they would only speak in English if I was in the room.

All of them were part of the Erasmus program, an exchange organized by the European Union. I was the only one there staying for long-term. In the flat, I was the youngest. I was a 20-year-old baby. The first flatmate I met was David and he was studying physics at 21 years old.  Then, I met a girl, who was 23 and specializing in mechanical engineering. The last one was Tobi; he was studying information systems and was 24 years old. I believed I was incredibly lucky to have them as my flatmates because they were very lovely, nice, and polite. We were all friends and hung out together for most of our time.

During my second week, I had a very scary and strange experience. She had a boyfriend that doubled her age and decided to stay for 5 days at our place. Now, I believe that if you’re a grown-ass adult
with a stable income, you should invite your girlfriend to a nice hotel,
instead of crashing over at a smelly, messy apartment of young people.

One day, I had to wake up very early to go to Immigration Office. I made myself some coffee and hung out in my kitchen with David. We were talking a bit and then Tobi joined. We were discussing the plans for the afternoon. Buckle up.

As soon as I walked into my room, I freaked out. There was a 46-year-old man sitting naked on top of my bed. I was in shock. I didn’t know how to react, so I just closed the door and went to the Immigration Office. I was very scared to have a weird guy over, who could just invade my privacy like that for one more night.

In the afternoon, I went into my room and I was even more paralyzed out of fear. All my closet cabinets were open. I am a very home-edit kind of organized person, so my whole clothes were folded in a beautiful rainbow, but now it looked like the Katrina hurricane had been looking for an outfit in my closet. My panties and bras were all messy, and all of my clothes. He had tried to go into my computer because it was out of its bag and turned on. I locked my door instantly afterward and called my mom telling her that I wanted to go back. She told me to talk with her and stay away from him.
A few hours later, we were hanging out in the kitchen when she walked in.

“Hey, guys. Do you want to come later with us for drinks?”

“I feel a little sick, so I think I’m gonna pass. Thanks for the invite, though,” I answered but didn’t have the guts to tell her about the previous event.

“Oh, you don’t have to stay here alone. I’ll stay with you and we can cook or something,” Tobi said.

“I’m down, let’s goo,” David said.

So, they left and I watched multiple movies with Tobi, which was very fun and way better than hanging out with a creepy old dude.

            Days after he left, she and I were cooking together in the kitchen and I told her what had happened:

“Listen,  what I am about to tell you might be difficult to hear. Your boyfriend was sitting naked on my bed and he went through all of my stuff. If you decide to invite him again, he is not welcome here because he makes me uncomfortable.” I
felt a heavy weight being lifted from my chest. She started to cry
unbelievingly and apologized, saying she was deeply sorry and that she understood. 

            Now that I realize, my relationship with David was very toxic and I should have established limits on day one. Even though we went to museums, coffee shops, and partied together, I don’t think I would have him as a friend now. I had never met anyone in my life before that wanted to attack and hurt me on purpose as much as he did. The worst thing is that whenever he was about to be horribly offensive, he would shelter himself behind: “What? I am just extremely honest.” He would never apologize, his ego
was the size of the sun.

            One of the first times that we talked in a vulnerable way, I wanted to get to know him better, so I asked him about his dreams.

“I want to do my master’s in physics and then work at the research center from the library at Duisburg. What about you?”

“Ufff, there’s a lot of things I want to do before I die. My biggest dream would be to
become a National Geographic photojournalist and travel around the world. But, I would also love to have an art gallery with a coffee shop that has DJ sessions and live music at night. Find my soulmate. Write a book. I don’t knoooow.”

He was silent for a bit. “Mmmm, sounds like a lot.”

A few months passed and we were chilling at our place and before attacking me, he would say:

“Alessa, can I tell you something?”

“Sure, David. What’s up.”

“When I first met you, I thought you were a very impressive girl with lots of dreams. But, now that I know you, I realize that’s what they are: dreams.”

Ugh, I was so crushed. Let me imagine, let me
dream, why do you even care? I don’t want a boring life. Anyways, look at me now with 10 articles with my photographs published in National Geographic, not to brag.

Another day, out of nowhere.

“Alessa, want my opinion?”

I rolled my eyes. “No, David. I don’t.”

“Well, it’s very important. I don’t think that you’re an attractive person. I don’t get why anyone would be with you. I really don’t think you’re pretty.”

“Exactly, your loss. And for the record, whenever I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it. Otherwise, shut up.”

I went directly to my room and cried. It had been a lot of years that I have worked on my insecurities and self-esteem in therapy to have an asshole destroying me like that.

I was very scared to go out of my room and have to run into him because it meant that he was going to attack me and disrespect me. I think he was deeply insecure and sexist, so he needed to take it all out on me because I wouldn’t let him see the effect he was having on me. Another day, I was cooking, I don’t even remember what. He came out and said:

“Seriously, Alessa? Are you going to eat all of that? What about hot girl summer?”

My flatmates used to go together to the gym, while I decided to do Chloe Ting in my room. I hate gym culture. I hate comparing my body to others. I don’t like being all sweaty in a disgusting room without air. I love to complain and curse when I work out, so I rather do it on my own.

“Alessa, why don’t you want to come with us? Are you that insecure about your own body? I get it,” and he looked at me upside down. Ugh, I am sorry. It’s not like you’re the hottest like Brad Pitt with a six-pack.

            Nevertheless, there was one specific day when he really crossed the line. We all went out for drinks and he got very very drunk. So, David with zero filters was truly horrible. We even called him “Monday David.” I can’t even write all of the disgusting things that he said. I went home and told Tobi, truly crushed. 

Imagine living with someone like that for a whole year. He never apologized. And don’t get me wrong, I am not writing about him in a revengeful manner or to hurt him; nevertheless, things that he said as “jokes” were truly passive-aggressive and I should have stopped him way earlier before everything escalated as much. 

            My point with this is to emphasize the fact that you should never let anyone with such negative energy to bring you down. I realized that he was a very insecure person and that all of the time he was projecting. If I was going to therapy, maybe he should too. Everyone should, it is such a healing and wonderful process. Moreover, it is very important to keep in mind that we come from different contexts, ways of living and thinking, diverse cultures, and life experiences. Now, I don’t take things personally. I see it as a way of growing and improving, as being strong and setting boundaries with a zero disrespectful bullshit policy. 

       My story with Tobi is a whole new different story.