I will touch on very sensitive and vulnerable topics. This content is based on my personal experience and with exercises that worked for me. However, I recommend that if someone finds themselves in a similar situation, they seek professional help.

My depression is a truly disgusting monster; it shows up with false intentions of being friends. It sneaks into my head and slowly destroys my identity, takes away everything that makes me happy, and makes me
believe that my intrusive thoughts are my only reality. That’s how it starts until it becomes a part of me.

Intrusive thoughts are recurring, stubborn ideas that get stuck in the mind for an indefinite amount of time. They can cause confusion, discomfort, and anxiety. Since these thoughts are so unpleasant, they create a strong emotional imbalance and impact, forcing us to give them relevance. Some of them look like this:

• I am nobody.
• Nobody loves me.
• I don’t want to or can’t make decisions.
• I will never stop feeling this way.
• I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep.
• I can’t control what happens to me or how I feel.
• What is the point?

With therapy and practice, I’ve learned to lower the volume and importance of these thoughts. I ask myself if I’m making assumptions, or exaggerating, and then let them go. I write them down and then try not to dwell on them. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t always work. However, talking about it with my therapist and getting to the roots to uproot the bad weeds has helped a lot.

Asking myself if I would say such horrible and hurtful things to a loved one made me realize that talking to myself this way was wrong. The journey of self-love takes practice and patience, but it’s worth it. So, speaking to yourself in the third person and seeing the problem from another perspective is often a very efficient tool.

Another red flag is when I start comparing myself negatively
and destructively, feeling envy and anger. I shrink and ask myself how anyone could love me or think I’m funny if I’m so inauthentic and boring. Spirals start to form from which I can’t escape, and instead of spending time with my friends, I’d rather stay under my blankets. I can’t think of any topic of
conversation or feel like it’s worth having one.

My music, even though I listen to practically every genre, becomes tedious and overwhelming. I decide that silence and listening to my own thoughts must be better. However, you have to be careful with the lyrics of songs because if we repeat them constantly and they have depressive melodies or negative meanings, they can permeate our thoughts. They put a very melodramatic soundtrack to existence, instead of being songs that lift the spirit.

Eating, showering, and dressing become irrelevant tasks that
take too much time and aren’t worth it. They lose their enjoyment and importance in the basic day-to-day tasks because, in the end, they are just things to be checked off the list. I don’t care about looking good, feeling good, or being nourished with the minimum energy; I just need to survive another day.

I’m haunted by endless existential questions that have no end, causing unbearable headaches called migraines. This, in turn, plunges me deeper into my bed, weakening my mind, body, and soul. I can’t feel empathy, love, or anything other than anger and sadness. I become unrecognizable. The light in my eyes goes out, my smile is non-existent, it’s as if my essence has completely disappeared.

I don’t want to read. I don’t want to watch anything. I
don’t want to talk. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to explore or travel. I
don’t want to spend my money. I don’t want to do incredible things or make new plans. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t even want to pee.

In this last part, I’ve never felt as related to a situation as with Rue in Euphoria, where she feels so bad and drained of energy that she can’t get out of bed to do the most basic of human existence: go to the bathroom. When I’ve felt too depressed, it’s the only thing that gets me out of my room, draining the last drop of fuel left in my body.

However, when the thoughts and existential questions turn morbid, that’s when I really start to worry. I start to feel exhausting anxiety because of its friend, Depression, who asks me such morbid questions.

• If something happened to me while I’m alone, would the extradition of a body
  cost my parents a lot of money? Would I travel in a coffin?
• If I fell down these stairs, would I break my neck or end up paralyzed?
• If I crossed the street without looking…
• If I did something now, maybe my sister would be traumatized forever. Maybe it’s not a good idea. 

In short, many truly dreadful questions and situations. No, I’ve never really wanted to die; I just wanted to silence that toxic little
friend that wouldn’t leave my head. These are thoughts I don’t want to remember, but I realize now how sick I was. Having a circle of trust and a support network that can detect these drastic personality and behavior changes is essential. My family, friends, and boyfriend have been a pillar in my life that I can’t stop thanking, as they’ve endured so much apathy and sadness with all their love and care.

Making a list and recalling situations I’ve overcome in the
past makes me realize my resilience and that everything can change. Also, making a list of positive situations and experiences gives you hope that the future can bring more of them. Forcing yourself to go out with friends, even when you don’t want to, can bring a few smiles and, little by little, free you from those chains. Trying new hobbies and reconnecting with things you loved doing will remind you that it’s worth feeling good.

Become friends with yourself; it worked for me. I asked for
help and dragged myself to therapy, knowing that I wouldn’t get better if I didn’t decide to change. Being kinder and forgiving myself more consciously helped me out of my depression. And exercising. It’s vital to move your body and distract yourself from your thoughts, plus it releases endorphins.

So, if you’ve made it this far and felt somewhat related to any of this, seek help. Go to therapy. Change your life. Get rid of your toxic friends: depression and anxiety.